censor the evil in me

its not entirely a good thing to share that you have a blog in the name of having honesty in a relationship and then second guess everything you want to type.

i don't know if I am officially Pms-ing** and hormones are acting up but i feel like its deja vu.

Instead of celebrating the joy of finally settling things and finding our groove, i'm gradually drifting out. Like an out of body experience, i can watch myself say the right things, act the right way. I know what makes you happy, what makes it easy to make us happy.

Its not that its an uncomfortable thing. Very much on the contrary, its comfortable.

The only twist is that at times I don't entirely FEEL it.

Am i losing my mind? Or is the dramatic oh-my-god-you-have-my-heart emotions actually overrated? Or worse, was I born without the capacity to really feel and then utter the words ILU to anyone?

I don't want to treat a relationship like my job. It shouldn't be the pull of the outside world that makes me leave time and time again. Even if I had the perfect person, the perfect relationship dropped on my head, I'll still up and leave wouldn't I? Its starting to crystallize that I need to know and feel what is right, that this is what I want.

So what do I want? Or need?

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**Just to state, I did have one of the top 3 cramps of my life that I thought I was going to puke / faint in a bar. And I refuse my alcoholic drink.